Mental health and illness is complex. Each case is as unique as the individual managing it. Even with something as common as anxiety, we still do not fully understand every factor nor can we expect any two experiences to be the same. That being said, doctors and mental health professionals are able to diagnose based on symptoms associated with the disorder. While many great therapies and tools can come out of this approach, we often forget to examine individual differences – especially in how we experience and perceive our disorders. This is my story of how one psychiatric nurse impacted my experience with anxiety and helped me regain control of my life.

My Experience With Anxiety

Before I launch into my story, I feel I need to clarify my situation. Nature vs nurture has long been a central debate in the world of psychology. And while I believe most situations are driven by a combination of factors, I feel that nature plays a stronger role in my early years. My family was always supportive and often tried to get me to slow down. Cases of trauma and abuse certainly can contribute to mental illness, but that is not my story. 

Although I did not receive a diagnosis of anxiety until my early 20s, I have lived with it my entire life. As a child, I was known to be extremely shy but obsessed with school. Teachers and extended family often referred to me as “an old soul” or “wise beyond her years”. My obsession with bettering myself and preparing for my future while my peers lived in the moment caused others to view me as mature. In reality, I was just trying to silence my mind that told me I had to do better. 

I had an insistent need to be independent. While all children feel this at some point, I feel that this need for me was consuming and potentially caused me to lose experiences other children had with their families. Being independent didn’t make me feel proud. I needed to be more than just independent. Achieving goals just meant I had a new one to achieve. The driving force in my mind was not a positive one, but a toxic one that would lead to unrealistic standards for myself and others and a pattern of self-abuse. 

In middle school and high school, I learned to better hide my anxiety and took up meditation. Meditation allowed me a reprieve from the negative thoughts that were a daily occurrence. Although healthy coping techniques like this did help, I was still developing toxic habits. My mindset regarding schooling and extracurriculars became “everything I don’t do is a missed opportunity”. Filling my schedule also meant I would have more distractions from the negative thoughts in my head. This habit only became worse when I went to college.

My Hospitalization

After starting college, I felt a shift in my anxiety. It seemed to take a life of its own. What I used to be able to recognize as my own thoughts began to feel disconnected – like an outside voice. I lost a sense of control and this voice began to sound different than my own thoughts. Naturally, I began to wonder if maybe I had schizophrenia or something seriously wrong healthwise. Only I knew this voice was inside my head. It began to feel hopeless. The voice became so loud, so demanding that I was unable to focus enough to meditate. Only work seemed to distract my mind enough for the voice to stop so I further buried myself in school taking on two degrees, ROTC, leadership roles in multiple music ensembles, and campus groups. Burnout was inevitable at this point. 

That burnout hit my third year. Exhaustion and negative reinforcement from both within and out eventually led to depression. By the spring of my third year, I was drinking every night and the mantra I would repeat to myself frequently was “I am just a miserable person”. This continued for a little over a year. The summer after my fourth year, I learned of the passing of a friend and shortly after a mentor. My depression hit with full force. I spent most of my days laying in bed. Even playing video games began to feel like a chore. School restarted and I fell behind almost instantly. Professors and counselors I had known for years reached out while the ones that were new wrote me off as lazy. Of course my voice sided with the new ones. 

The ultimate tipping point came the week of an ROTC event. I realized I was having suicidal thoughts and I worried I would act on them at the event. I confided in my boyfriend and the next day he brought me to the counseling center. From there I unloaded and admitted that I thought I should be hospitalized. The counselor ultimately let me make the decision for myself. After being transferred to another city due to bed unavailability, I was hospitalized in the early hours of September 14, 2021.

Unusual Advice

Not all hospitals and mental institutions are created equal. I was lucky enough to end up in one of the top hospitals in the state. Instantly, I felt years of dread and constant worry fall away. Although I was nervous about what was to come and still dealing with depression and anxiety, this was a safe space and the staff made me feel welcome. During the 3 ½ days I was hospitalized, I attended groups, talked with other patients, participated in recreational therapy, and was prescribed medication. While all of these contributed to my healing, a simple conversation with a nurse is what shifted my entire perspective. 

Part of our daily routine was a check-in with our assigned nurse for the day. They would ask basic questions to track our progress and (especially for those of us that were first-timers) try to get to know us and our history. My nurse on this particular day was named Zach. Zach was a huge advocate for grounding and meditation. He would often try teaching patients mental techniques before handing out medication – something I highly respect. During our check-in I mentioned that I used to meditate but stopped during college because my anxiety became too loud. This was the first time I openly told someone that my anxiety is a voice I can almost physically hear. It was a bit terrifying because I did not know how he would react. Would he say my diagnosis was wrong? Would I have to be hospitalized longer?

He did not question this but instead asked how I coped. I admitted that I didn’t and that I felt like I couldn’t control the voice anymore. “Then don’t,” he responded. I was stunned. He told me to listen and we sat in silence for a moment. “I hear a sound in the hall that’s probably being made by one of my coworkers. Am I making that sound? No. I do have some control over it – I can go see what the sound is and ask them to stop. But I don’t have to. I have a choice. Now if I go and try to assert my control over every little sound I hear, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. I’d probably get frustrated and burnt out too. You have to pick and choose your battles because at the end of the day a noise is just a noise.” I felt like my entire life was flipped in a second. Everything I had been taught in classes and all I have seen about managing anxiety stated that in order to heal you have to recognize your disorder as part of you and correct irrational thought patterns. Here I had a nurse telling me to view that voice as something separate from me and ignore it (sometimes). This is a conversation I still reflect on today.

Living With My Inner Critic

In a post-hospitalization therapy session a therapist helped provide an identity to the voice – the inner critic. She explained that everyone has one but the way we experience it may differ. While most people without anxiety experience it as part of their normal thoughts, many of us with anxiety do perceive it as a separate, uncontrollable voice. I wasn’t alone in my experience. Some of my friends experience their inner critic in the same way I do, I learned later on. 

While we did work on identifying irrational thought patterns and learning new coping skills, my conversation with Zach remained the main focus of my healing process. I even began to realize things on my own that reaffirmed this perspective. I realized that (much like a bully) the more of a reaction I give the inner critic, the more it pushes. It is important for me to analyze my emotions and irrational thoughts occasionally to understand triggers or why I am feeling a certain way, but I am learning to choose my battles. 

As I stated in the beginning, we all experience anxiety differently. Some people may benefit from identifying and correcting thought patterns. For me, this is what has worked. It hasn’t cured me and I will always live with anxiety, but I can honestly say now that I am happy and I have regained a sense of control over the things that really matter. I have since graduated with my two degrees, gotten engaged to that boyfriend that stuck with me during my darkest hours, and began practicing meditation again. How we perceive ourselves – and our disorders – matters. 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or are struggling with a mental health crisis, please reach out to one of the various organizations listed under resources and know you are not alone.

If you have questions about my experiences, suggestions for future topics, or just want to share your own story, please leave a comment or contact me.

Thank you for your time and love.